(Apr. 8, 2015) What is that they say? That when you think you've learned a lesson, you will continue to be tested until you pass? I think that is what I just went through. I haven't blogged in awhile. I've been "going through it." Waiting for it all to land, like Dorothy spinning in the house in the Wizard of Oz. As I'm starting to feel better and see clearer, I am getting the lesson in it and I'd like to share it with you. I was just reading my post "New Year Magic" and I realized that was right before life took me down. I allowed a situation outside of myself to cause me to lose balance. As a result of my reaction, I became controlling, obsessive, and the complete opposite of what I'm trying to be. When we are triggered by something, it can be deep rooted, from childhood even, and it comes up so that it can be healed. It is an opportunity to recognize the trigger for what it is, release the emotional hold it has, create a new belief, and move forward with grace. Is that what I did? No, I learn the hard way.
When I was triggered, I resisted it. I fought, I schemed, I manipulated and did my best to stop life's natural evolution. I suppose I needed to enmesh myself once more so that I could see what was on the inside. What I found was, the new me, the authentic me couldn't exist in this unhealthy environment. I had two choices. I could compromise who I am entirely, in order to avoid the fear and discomfort of dealing with this once and for all, or I could choose to move on and deal with what comes up. I chose to move on. Each day since releasing it, I have felt clearer and felt my connection to life and joy returning. I was listening to a podcast recently where Pixie Campbell mentioned that when making a decision she will ask herself what the most powerful thing she can do is. And that anytime she has made a decision out of fear, it was the wrong one. I keep reminding myself of that when self doubt and fear creep in. This can apply to friendships, relationships, jobs, or any ways of relating that no longer support us.
I've also been reflecting on the wisdom of my recovery from surgery. I look back now, and think about what a wonderful time it was. I had 2 months off of work, and my daughter was in school all day, so I had nothing but time. Uninterrupted time is the air I breathe, and I don't get nearly enough of it. I drank it in. It wasn't about being productive, it was about being. I couldn't do much at all, so I had to go easy on myself. I said no to invitations without guilt. I dreamed and visioned. I "wasted" time. I re-watched old Friends episodes and didn't feel like time was running out.
And so, I must heal again from what I just went through. By breathing, praying for guidance, being gentle with myself, having good boundaries, increasing my self care, saying no, releasing guilt, being in the moment, and dreaming once again. I miss feeling good, but I know it's right around the corner. Replenish....that's what I need to do for now. And get back to creating art <3