Space from the Striving

(May 23, 2018) I'm feeling a shift inside of me. Where I was once vocal, I feel quiet. Where I was once active, I feel withdrawn. I feel myself going more within instead of looking out. I'm sitting with how I feel, asking myself what I think and the answers are coming.

I'm done with the striving, and the overexertion of my nervous system. I can't keep up with everything and everybody if I'm going to do me. It feels somewhat isolating, yet right. I get random urges to reach out, to take more things on, to say yes when I mean no, and then I pause, catch myself and wait for the right time....or never.

I feel a deepening from within, a solidification of  values, a longing for more simple and true. There's a shifting of feelings, and values I once held, and a calling towards calm, presence, joy, and trust. And so much surrender. A call to follow the magic of what I already know.

I'm so grateful for the clarity that I am a painter, that I don't need to chase a million dreams at once. That I have learned focus. And yet, other parts of me call out. Not in the frantic way they used to that made my head spin, but quietly.

This is what I know: I love painting, but don't enjoy the feeling of constant striving outside of myself in order to have an art business. The trying and thinking and obsessing that never shuts off. The desperate need to sell paintings. The fear of it not working out. The energy taken away from my kids. That part is not for me.

What is for me: Quiet expansion. Sharing who I am, what I love, and building community. Supporting other's dreams and allowing myself to be supported. Offering value while doing what I love. Being with my children. Getting out in nature and off of my phone. Letting go.  Trusting. Surrender.

........

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