(May 27, 2016) I need to write. There is so much swirling about in my head, but each time I sit down to write, I have only one thought: "I'm so tired." To which I usually agree with, and think, "Yep....I am tired, maybe I'll write another time." Well, those other times aren't coming and I'm still tired, and still feel the need to write, so I guess I'll just write tired. The majority of my tiredness, I'm sure, comes from having a baby on the way. We are expecting a baby girl, due in October. I am 20 weeks along at this point, and have been taking Unisom and vitamin B-6 to combat nausea, which makes me even more tired than I already am. Since I only feel up to taking care of the bare minimum these days, while doing a lot of resting (and eating), I haven't felt up to taking on any new projects. I have felt the need, however, to assign some sort of focus to this time period, as a way to continue down the path to my dreams.
You see, I gave up part of my dream in February. I was going to open a shop in the mountains of Julian. It was going to be an art gallery & gift shop. It would include my own paintings and homemade crafts, as well as those from artist and crafters from around the world. In January, we acquired the shop space and began renovations. My man worked diligently on weekends to makeover the interior of the shop, building rustic wood walls, and installing beautiful cherry wood flooring. In the meantime, I set up my website, ordered products, and created more products of my own. I made contact with artists I have only followed online, and it was a very exciting time. This shop would fulfill 2 of my 3 passions, art and handmade products, with the hopes that my 3rd passion, spiritual growth, would somehow be integrated down the road. This was the first time I actually saw something coming to fruition for me, after so many years of dabbling, wishing, hoping, and praying. It felt like all I had done led me to this point, that there was a reason for all that I had learned, and that a dream was finally coming true.
Shortly after acquiring the shop space, I found out we were going to have a baby, which was a total surprise. Soon after, I became very, very sick with all day sickness, and could no longer withstand the curvy drive up to the mountains. Everything was put on hold. I had a decision to make about my shop. Do I wait and see if I feel better in a few months time, and then get back to working on setting up the shop? Even though a few months after the shop would open, the baby would be born? This was a hard decision, and one I had to make on my own. It was a difficult one. In the end, I chose not to continue with opening the shop. It was heartbreaking. Not the shop per se, as I knew that there would be other opportunities in the future, but the feelings behind it. I wrote in my previous post "On Self Care and Motherhood," about how the feeling of always needing to put aside my needs and wants has been difficult at times. How I often have this overwhelming feeling to create something, but struggle to find the time and space for it. I of course understand that putting aside my needs is a huge part of parenting, and I have always done it, but in the past few years, I have longed for something just for me. And just I was getting close to that, life changed in an unexpected way once again.
The time period following the decision to let my shop go was a difficult one, even though I knew I made the right choice in putting mommyhood first. I was so very miserably sick in my first trimester. In my previous pregnancies, I went through 9 months of morning sickness with my son. With my daughter, I was horribly sick (called hyperemesis gravardium) for about 5 months, to the point of needing to get IVs at the hospital. All the way around, this 3rd pregnancy has been a lot better comparatively speaking, but still challenging nonetheless.
As of now, I'm in my second trimester, aka the holy grail of pregnancy. I still don't feel that fantastic, but I don't really expect to, as pregnancy isn't usually that easy for me. I don't mean to sound ungrateful in any way, so let me just put that out there. I love my children, and can't wait to meet this new baby. I am simply working through my feelings of still longing for my own thing, an expression of my soul's signature. For now, I will continue to dabble in painting and writing, and hope to find the missing piece that will allow me to have a soul filled business that will incorporate my children. Something I can create alongside my kiddos as they grow. Something that will flow naturally as a part of our lives, allowing me to be mommy, while following my passions, and sharing my gifts. I may have let go of one dream, but I must surrender and allow for what's developing on the horizon. And I have a hunch it's better than what I let go of <3