When in Doubt, Write

Personal Growth

(Jun. 30, 2018) Just start. Just start writing.

I've been in such a deeply reflective state lately which seems in contrast to the outwardly active energy of the summer. Although summers of the past do remind me of that long and leisurely time of childhood, so somehow it seems appropriate.

The truth is I'm feeling burned out in lots of ways. Luckily that feeling only hits me every so often and I'm still able to carry on each day and do all the summer mom things. Trips to the beach, Sea World, swimming and what not.

I put a LOT of energy into my last series. I worked on it for 2 months and created 12 new paintings, all with a common theme. This was a big deal for me, since I often don't get far on something before wanting to start something new. Once they were finished and I released them, only one sold. I was so grateful for the one that sold, it was one of my favorites (and went to a friend in a circle I'm a part of which was lovely.)

The other 11 still hang on my walls, along with many other paintings from last year when I began daily painting. It's bringing up all kinds of feelings for me. I don't do it for the sales, but I would love to make this a sustainable business. I only have so much time in a day to work on things outside of being mommy and I do need to earn money.

But also...I just felt this huge drop off of energy about a week after they were released. Like, I don't want to keep promoting them. I just feel done. I think I processed a lot from the past while making those and I feel complete. There are a few paintings I truly love that are still available in my shop, and the ones I don't will probably be painted over. My art is evolving right along with me.

I'm dabbling in other interests (thrifting, sewing) and spending time with the kids and really trying not to wonder about what's next. I really wish I could just be in the moment and enjoy life, but today I'm feeling a bit weepy and I miss painting. It heals me. It's why I do it.

And so tomorrow it's my intention to finish the playroom/studio re-do and get back to painting this week. Maybe not every day right now, but as needed. I'm realizing the void I'm feeling right now is deep in my soul and that's where the work is. My style needs to keep evolving, I need to keep learning, and eventually my paintings will really start to look and feel more like me.

"When do you give up on something?" I asked myself today. The answer I came up with is when it's no longer feeding you, and it's not going anywhere. Results are still out on whether painting will go anywhere as an "official business," but for now it feeds me, so I will continue to explore myself through art.

Other things I'm considering on the horizon...a pop-up shop of thrifted clothes with lace trims sewn on and what not, and offering spirit courses. That would feel amazing.

Today I'm hoping for a bath alone. A quick restoration to my mom spirit. And that feels like enough.

Sending love ♥️



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