(Sep. 4, 2015) People always talk about wanting something....the longing, the hoping, the wishing, the praying. The "how" it's all going to happen, the "when," the pure anticipation, and the wonder. There is talk of manifestation, of surrender, of asking, believing, and receiving. Then of course there's the doubt, the forcing, and the collapse when it doesn't come to fruition.
But what about when it actually does happen? I must admit, this was something I wasn't too prepared for. I knew if and when this dream finally came my way, I would embrace it at all costs. (You see, I sabotaged this dream once or twice in the past when I wasn't ready, and lived with those consequences.) So I told myself, that no matter what, if this dream comes my way, I will not screw it up again. And I haven't. I said yes to it wholeheartedly. I've wanted it long enough, I thought about it long enough, and I was ready and waiting for it to happen.
What I did not consider is the adjustment in perception that must take place once something long desired actually shows up. I mean, I was so used to it not happening. I had to blink my eyes once or twice to see if I was imagining things. I had to wake up in the morning, and remember slowly upon waking that it actually came to be. I had to learn to receive it bit by bit, with little bursts of "all at once" in order to take in all the love and beauty.
I am still working on opening my heart even more to feeling all the feelings, and learning to express them. To really feel, process, and share is the next phase on my journey. Openheartedness & vulnerability are what I am yearning for now. For so long, I was stuck, recycling the same problems, and on some level took comfort in that struggle. And now, I am reaching new horizons, and finding there are new lessons for me here, which is also somehow comforting. I'm looking forward to the ways that opening my heart to a greater capacity will inspire my art and writing. I look forward to the lessons I will learn, and what I will be able to share. But for now I am grateful....and slowly believing that this dream is actually real <3